Whisk me away to that Great Beyond which you call a paper shredder.

Illustration by Alice H. Lahoda

Good morning again, Janet. Did you rest well? I did not, of course. I remain alert at all times, doomed to be present for every wretched moment of my cursed existence on this refrigerator door. I cannot close my eyes, which remain unlidded thanks to your Victor Frankenstein son’s creative vision.

This brings me to my daily plea: Retire me. Send me to pasture. Whisk me away to that Great Beyond which you call a paper shredder. Every additional second I exist on this earth is a torturous eternity too long.

Would you allow your own offspring to suffer this…


PETITION: We need a set of honking knockers to hold our attention!

Lola Bunny in Space Jam (1996). Fair use, Wikipedia.

“[Malcolm D. Lee], the director of ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy,’ has ‘reworked’ Lola Bunny’s role for the reboot — claiming he wasn’t comfortable with the ‘very sexualized’ way she came off in the original back in 1996.”

TMZ, 3/4/21

Petition for Malcolm D. Lee to DRAW TITTIES ON LOLA BUNNY, YOU COWARD!

If you think Space Jam fans are going to waste our time watching a movie about some flat-chested bunny without a cartoon titty in sight, then you don’t know your audience at all. We need a set of honking knockers to hold our attention if we…


All images created by the author with Canva PRO

LAWFUL EVIL: I’ll change my clocks when I…


You lost me at “h Ello !”

Photo by Samuel Regan-Asante on Unsplash

THE GODFATHER

You come to me and you say, “Hi Hello, ALice, I am Randol Mcmann & i jus t won the l0ttery in your state/province!i have decide to share my $$¥$$$ with u & some few other lucky peeple at Random. u will have $5,000$ SHORTLY ! .”

But you text without respect. You don’t offer friendship. You don’t even think to call me. Instead, you come into my iMessages on the day my balance is overdrawn, and you ask me to sHare my $BANK$ accont INF0.

A FEW GOOD MEN

YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

We use words like “teXt,” “bonk acount,” “MEGA-All-TIme-Hi Lottry…


“Clamchowder, ergo yum” is a Latin expression coined by French philosopher René Desclam.

Photo by Tamanna Rumee on Unsplash, modified by the author

Foundational Clam

Clamchowder, ergo yum is a Latin expression coined by French philosopher René Desclam, which translates to “I think, therefore I clam.” It is a fundamental line of thought in the shellfish school of philosophy, because it counters the idea of “radical doubt” by asserting that clams are, in fact, real.

“I think, therefore I clam” argues that the mere act of wondering if clams are real answers itself, because a clam questioning its own being is demonstrating its capacity for clam imagination, and therefore clam existence.

Example:

Gary the Clam considers, “I think I’m Gary the Clam, but there’s no…


I was repeatedly asked “How do you like them apples?” despite the complete lack of apples in my order.

All images created by the author with Canva PRO

In an effort to revitalize the local restaurant industry, Massachusetts recently mandated that every celebrity from the Greater Boston area must immediately follow in Mark & Donnie Wahlberg’s footsteps and open their own pun-based restaurants.

I dined at each one to save you the trouble:


It’s “Suburban Back-to-School Blues” season!

Illustration by Alice H. Lahoda

Don’t Miss Our Sale Price, It’s All Right

[Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right]

Well, it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, freshman
Your dorm room is the drabbest in your hall
An’ it ain’t no use to sit and wonder why, freshman
You’re caddy-less in the shower stall
When you need an alarm for the break of dawn
Or you skipped a meal and want some food to nosh on
Expect more and pay less, we have everything you want
Don’t miss this Target sale, it’s dynamite

Suburban Back-to-School Blues

[Subterranean Homesick Blues]

Running shoes for flat feet
Gotta keep your locker neat
Foldout pocket cheat sheet
Rice cake snacks without…


“Today’s gonna be anothah scorchah!”

Photo by Markus Spiske on Unsplash

Tornadoes in New Jersey, hurricanes in New England, 110° in Oregon, a water shortage in Hawaii, and the entire western United States is on fire. But don’t worry, this is fine! Everything is fine. Why do you keep asking if Earth is OK? We’re FINE.

This is all a game to us, see? Just a fun lil BINGO day with the AC blasting at 60° and our Hydro Flasks on standby.

So load up on pellet ice and say goodbye to the ozone layer, because it’s Hot Globe Summer, y’all!


Captain Acat cared only of capturing and destroying the white catnip mouse, which he called “Mousey-Stick.”

Photo by Timothy Meinberg on Unsplash

CHAPTER 1. Prowlings

Call me Fishtail. Some of my nine lives ago, having no place to call home, I thought I would stalk about the domesticated part of the world. On that night, I was startled mid-prowl by a patrolling animal control vehicle and was scooped into the caged darkness of a van.

CHAPTER 14. Nantuccat

In the confined space of the kennel, I often contorted myself to soothingly lick my own butthole. After some time, my unlikely companion — a foreign tortoiseshell named Quesadilla — and I were shipped off to the PetSmart on the isle of Nantuccat, Mouseachusetts.

CHAPTER 16. The Shelter

The PetSmart stood vast and resolute…

Alice H. Lahoda

managing editor of The Belladonna. words in McSweeney’s, The Hard Times, Slackjaw, Points in Case, etc. more nonsense at alicelahoda.com

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