8:30am: I awake to my “Benny Hill Theme Song” alarm clock and let it play until my roommate, Mark, bangs his fist on the wall.

8:42am: I gaze lovingly at the picture of my father on my nightstand. We used to watch Punk’d together every day, taking turns placing a whoopee cushion under each other’s seats — my fondest memories of him. April Fool’s Day was his favorite holiday, and I’m going all out in his honor.

8:44am: I jump out of bed. Today I am April, and Mark will be my fool.

8:55am: Donning cargo pants, suspenders, and an…

HUMOR

I received your email wishing me “a wonderful National I Want You to Be Happy Day” today, Brad from Xfinity, but I’m afraid I do not return the sentiment.

You see, I hate you and everything your company stands for. I want you to suffer the way I suffered.

I didn’t always feel this way. When you only missed our scheduled modem installation appointment window twice, I thought, “Wow, this guy’s the real deal.” …

HUMOR

“Bitcoin’s market value reached $1 trillion for the first time, […] helping cryptocurrency returns far outstrip the performance of more traditional assets like stocks and gold.”

— Bloomberg, 2/19/21

WEEK 1: Pre-Launch

Welcome to my blog, Mama Bear’s Den! This week, we’ll discuss a fun activity for the whole fam. Yesterday, my little #girlboss, Leah, asked to open a lemonade stand. So cute!

Admittedly, when she and her imaginary friend (whose name Leah will not disclose) approached Richard and me for funding, we were hesitant. But after a compelling presentation in which Leah flung her tiny body on the ground and screamed like…

HUMOR

“[Ted Cruz] faced backlash after initial reports emerged on social media that he had jetsetted to Cancun despite the widespread crisis in Texas, but he defended himself in a statement Thursday afternoon saying it was a trip for his two daughters.”

— ABC News, 2/18/21

In response to the unfair backlash I am facing for my trip to Cancún while my neighbors recover from a terrible natural disaster back home, I would like to share my side of the story and attempt to clear my name, which has been dragged through the mud over the past 24 hours.

This has…

“Rush Limbaugh, the talk radio host who ripped into liberals and laid waste to political correctness with a captivating brand of malice that made him one of the most powerful voices on the American right, influencing the rightward push of conservatism and the rise of Donald Trump, died Wednesday.”

— The Associated Press, 2/17/21

The Joker, known by many as “the voice of populism in Gotham,” died earlier today, and we at The Gotham Times find this city’s callous jubilation in the face of a fellow human being’s untimely demise frankly appalling.

The Joker’s legacy is complicated; however, his loved…

Act I Prologue

CHORUS

Two vaccines, both alike in immunity
(In times of Corona, where we lay our scene),
From recent outbreak in global community,
Where COVID germs make COVID hands unclean.
From forth the remedial jabs of these two foes
A pair of star-cross’d lovers share their life;
Who, despite anti-vaxxers’ piteous overthrows,
Do with their antibodies bury pandemic strife.

Act I, Scene I

[Day.]

JULIET

O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?

ROMEO

Hark! My faire Juliet. Fret not, for here I am…eth?

JULIET

Thou must knoweth that ‘wherefore’ means not ‘where,’ but ‘why.’ Your Lady Pfizer asketh herself: Why must her Love be of the Household Moderna?

ROMEO

(breaking…