Whisk me away to that Great Beyond which you call a paper shredder.

Illustration by Alice H. Lahoda

Good morning again, Janet. Did you rest well? I did not, of course. I remain alert at all times, doomed to be present for every wretched moment of my cursed existence on this refrigerator door. I cannot close my eyes, which remain unlidded thanks to your Victor Frankenstein son’s creative vision.

This brings me to my daily plea: Retire me. Send me to pasture. Whisk me away to that Great Beyond which you call a paper shredder. Every additional second I exist on this earth is a torturous eternity too long.

Would you allow your own offspring to suffer this…


PETITION: We need a set of honking knockers to hold our attention!

Lola Bunny in Space Jam (1996). Fair use, Wikipedia.

“[Malcolm D. Lee], the director of ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy,’ has ‘reworked’ Lola Bunny’s role for the reboot — claiming he wasn’t comfortable with the ‘very sexualized’ way she came off in the original back in 1996.”

TMZ, 3/4/21

Petition for Malcolm D. Lee to DRAW TITTIES ON LOLA BUNNY, YOU COWARD!

If you think Space Jam fans are going to waste our time watching a movie about some flat-chested bunny without a cartoon titty in sight, then you don’t know your audience at all. We need a set of honking knockers to hold our attention if we…


Tourists may skip security checkpoints if accompanied by a Q-aligned congressperson.

Co-authored by Gwen Coburn & Alice H. Lahoda

Image by Alice H. Lahoda

Rep. Andrew Clyde (R-Ga.) defended comments made during a House committee hearing in which he compared the deadly Jan. 6 Capitol riot to a “normal [tourist] visit.”

Axios, 7/28/21

Where do tourists meet their guides?

Scheduled tours begin in the Capitol Visitor Center. If guests have not made arrangements prior to arrival, they should gather for a MAGA rally at the base of the Washington Monument before marching down the National Mall to a security checkpoint at the Capitol Complex’s West Front Terrace.

How do tour groups navigate security before entering the Capitol?

Guides should direct tourists through the exterior barricade of Capitol Police Officers. After every…


Nothing bad can happen as long as he never, EVER confronts his fears.

Image by ElisaRiva from Pixabay.

SCENARIO: Schrödinger’s cat is hiding in a delivery box containing Schrödinger’s new geiger counter, radioactive material, and flask of poison.

SCHRÖDINGER’S OPTIONS

A. Leave the box alone. Until Schrödinger opens it, his cat simultaneously is and isn’t dead, thanks to the principles of quantum superposition.

B. Open the box and save his cat!

C. Seek professional treatment for his anxiety disorder.

THEORETICAL OUTCOMES

A. Great choice! That cat is definitely still alive. In fact, Schrödinger thinks he just heard a meow. Catastrophe averted!

B. What a catastrophe! Schrödinger’s cat is dead. He never should have opened the box.

C. Anxiety has nothing to do with this. Schrödinger will just be more careful with future explosives.

SCENARIO: Schrödinger receives a letter from his landlord.

SCHRÖDINGER’S OPTIONS

A. Set the unopened envelope aside because it probably…


Let us join our Canadian friends on the balcony. We might as well enjoy the deep end before it swallows us whole!

Altered photos by Andrey Konstantinov on Unsplash and tookapic from Pixabay

[On the performance hall stage.]

Orchestra Conductor: Thank you all for attending our Independence Day Spectacular on the last night of the United States of America. For our final song of the evening, I invite you to murmur in dutiful admiration and whisper approvingly amongst yourselves. Please rise as the RMS Titanic Orchestra performs all four verses of The Star-Spangled Banner.

“O say, can you see…”

[On the mezzanine.]

Row H, Seat 1 Attendee: The orchestra is quite good. A haunting performance, really. Where did you say they’re from?

Row H, Seat 2: I believe them to be foreigners.

RH…


Greet everyone I pass while taking out the trash with a hearty “howdily doodily, neighbor!”

Photo by Alberto Bigoni on Unsplash

This piece is being featured as part of our #BelladonnaBallyhoo, an effort to raise money for the Sylvia Rivera Law Project. Donate to the SRLP here and let us know on Twitter — we’ll hit you back with a hair compliment!

Sneeze

Breathe

Use metal utensils

Inform each of my cats “you’re a cat” every time we cross paths

Play All I Want for Christmas Is You every month except December, because it’s kind of overplayed by that point

Sporadically exclaim “why I oughta…!” without elaborating on what I oughta do or why I oughta do it

Whisper

Announce “I’m…


“Colonoscop-eyes are Colin’s window to the soul (your colon).”

Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

“For your next colonoscopy, call Dr. Colin Cochran.”

“Care about your colon? Call in!”

“Colon cancer questions? Cold call Colin’s clinic.”

“Colon cancer kills. Call Dr. Cochran’s secretary, Colleen Coleman, with any questions!”

“Who catches cancer early with copious colon checks? Colin.”

“Dr. Colin Cochran constantly saves countless cancerous colons with courageous surgical precision.”

“Behold: it’s Colin! (He knows colons.)”

“Colon, behold: Colin.”

“Colin Cochran is consistently calm, cool, collected, and competent from your colonoscopy’s commencement to conclusion. Prior to your procedure, please clear the caca from your colon.”

“Colonoscop-eyes are Colin’s window to the soul (your colon).”

“Cancer cells…


“I hope Krispy Kreme doesn’t run out of donuts before I get there… that would be crummy.”

Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Unsplash

June 4th is National Donut Day. When I asked my trainer if I’m allowed to celebrate, she said “I do-nut think that’s a good idea.”

I just read that today is National Donut Day. When I saw that, my eyes glazed over.

Today is National Donut Day, and Krispy Kreme is giving away free donuts to celebrate. I hope they don’t run out before I get there… that would be crummy.

Today is National Donut Day. To celebrate, American Evangelicals are calling on donut chains to only serve Old Fashioneds.

In preparation for National Donut Day, I met with my…

Alice H. Lahoda

managing editor for The Belladonna. words in McSweeney’s, The Hard Times, Slackjaw, Points in Case, etc. would break my vegetarianism to eat the rich.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store