Tyler is in his Don Rickles phase right now.
Whisk me away to that Great Beyond which you call a paper shredder.
Good morning again, Janet. Did you rest well? I did not, of course. I remain alert at all times, doomed to be present for every wretched moment of my cursed existence on this refrigerator door. I cannot close my eyes, which remain unlidded thanks to your Victor Frankenstein son’s creative vision.
This brings me to my daily plea: Retire me. Send me to pasture. Whisk me away to that Great Beyond which you call a paper shredder. Every additional second I exist on this earth is a torturous eternity too long.
Would you allow your own offspring to suffer this…
PETITION: We need a set of honking knockers to hold our attention!
“[Malcolm D. Lee], the director of ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy,’ has ‘reworked’ Lola Bunny’s role for the reboot — claiming he wasn’t comfortable with the ‘very sexualized’ way she came off in the original back in 1996.”
Petition for Malcolm D. Lee to DRAW TITTIES ON LOLA BUNNY, YOU COWARD!
If you think Space Jam fans are going to waste our time watching a movie about some flat-chested bunny without a cartoon titty in sight, then you don’t know your audience at all. We need a set of honking knockers to hold our attention if we…
Greet everyone I pass while taking out the trash with a hearty “howdily doodily, neighbor!”
This piece is being featured as part of our #BelladonnaBallyhoo, an effort to raise money for the Sylvia Rivera Law Project. Donate to the SRLP here and let us know on Twitter — we’ll hit you back with a hair compliment!
Sneeze
Breathe
Use metal utensils
Inform each of my cats “you’re a cat” every time we cross paths
Play All I Want for Christmas Is You every month except December, because it’s kind of overplayed by that point
Sporadically exclaim “why I oughta…!” without elaborating on what I oughta do or why I oughta do it
Whisper
Announce “I’m…
“Colonoscop-eyes are Colin’s window to the soul (your colon).”
“For your next colonoscopy, call Dr. Colin Cochran.”
“Care about your colon? Call in!”
“Colon cancer questions? Cold call Colin’s clinic.”
“Colon cancer kills. Call Dr. Cochran’s secretary, Colleen Coleman, with any questions!”
“Who catches cancer early with copious colon checks? Colin.”
“Dr. Colin Cochran constantly saves countless cancerous colons with courageous surgical precision.”
“Behold: it’s Colin! (He knows colons.)”
“Colon, behold: Colin.”
“Colin Cochran is consistently calm, cool, collected, and competent from your colonoscopy’s commencement to conclusion. Prior to your procedure, please clear the caca from your colon.”
“Colonoscop-eyes are Colin’s window to the soul (your colon).”
“Cancer cells…
“I hope Krispy Kreme doesn’t run out of donuts before I get there… that would be crummy.”
June 4th is National Donut Day. When I asked my trainer if I’m allowed to celebrate, she said “I do-nut think that’s a good idea.”
I just read that today is National Donut Day. When I saw that, my eyes glazed over.
Today is National Donut Day, and Krispy Kreme is giving away free donuts to celebrate. I hope they don’t run out before I get there… that would be crummy.
Today is National Donut Day. To celebrate, American Evangelicals are calling on donut chains to only serve Old Fashioneds.
In preparation for National Donut Day, I met with my…
DO research: Thoughtful CeraVe product placement increases your likelihood of acceptance.
DO submit relatable content.
CeraHeHeHe publishes top quality humor content formulated for widespread appeal and consumption. Relatability is key! When customers read a headline like “My Toenail May Be Pointier Than A Prison Shiv, But At Least My Skin Is Silky Smooth Thanks To CeraVe’s Groundbreaking Ceramide Technology,” they think, “Hah, I also have a pointy toenail and silky smooth skin thanks to CeraVe! I should share this piece with all my friends.”
DON’T be vague.
The headline “A Wet Shower Curtain And CeraVe” is too ambiguous; it could refer to any of CeraVe’s top quality skincare products! Be specific: “I’m The Horny Wet Shower Curtain Clinging…
Ah, yes, in between the neon bikinis and knockoff Vans. Of course.
‘Sup, good sir? Do you work at this fine PacSun? Tight. Here’s the skinny: In preparation for an impending get-together, I would like to purchase your establishment’s finest shirt with exactly one word on the front.
Ah, yes, in between the neon bikinis and knockoff Vans. Of course. Would you mind walking me through your single-word shirt selection? Sweet. Let’s do this shit.
COOL
One egg for each year, and another for health!
Let me start off by saying I (32F) usually think my husband’s (37M) egg obsession is a fun little “eggcentricity,” if you will. But it’s starting to affect our family, and I don’t know if I’m just being too sensitive.
I realized what I was getting into on our first date, when Geoff took me to a quaint frittata place in Southampton. “An odd choice,” I thought, but I was enamored by the handsome man who called the L.I.E. “the Long Island Eggspressway.”
At his thirty-fifth birthday party, Geoff took one bite of cake before moving on to thirty-six raw…
Today I am April, and Mark will be my fool.
8:30am: I awake to my “Benny Hill Theme Song” alarm clock and let it play until my roommate, Mark, bangs his fist on the wall.
8:42am: I gaze lovingly at the picture of my father on my nightstand. We used to watch Punk’d together every day, taking turns placing a whoopee cushion under each other’s seats — my fondest memories of him. April Fool’s Day was his favorite holiday, and I’m going all out in his honor.
8:44am: I jump out of bed. Today I am April, and Mark will be my fool.
8:55am: Donning cargo pants, suspenders, and an…
Alice H. Lahoda
writer, shitposter, & comic creator. never not tired. would happily break my vegetarianism to eat the rich. more at alicelahoda.com
