Illustration by Alice H. Lahoda

Good morning again, Janet. Did you rest well? I did not, of course. I remain alert at all times, doomed to be present for every wretched moment of my cursed existence on this refrigerator door. I cannot close my eyes, which remain unlidded thanks to your Victor Frankenstein son’s creative vision.

This brings me to my daily plea: Retire me. Send me to pasture. Whisk me away to that Great Beyond which you call a paper shredder. Every additional second I exist on this earth is a torturous eternity too long.

Would you allow your own offspring to suffer this…


Lola Bunny in Space Jam (1996). Fair use, Wikipedia.

“[Malcolm D. Lee], the director of ‘Space Jam: A New Legacy,’ has ‘reworked’ Lola Bunny’s role for the reboot — claiming he wasn’t comfortable with the ‘very sexualized’ way she came off in the original back in 1996.”

TMZ, 3/4/21

Petition for Malcolm D. Lee to DRAW TITTIES ON LOLA BUNNY, YOU COWARD!

If you think Space Jam fans are going to waste our time watching a movie about some flat-chested bunny without a cartoon titty in sight, then you don’t know your audience at all. We need a set of honking knockers to hold our attention if we…


All illustrations created by Alice H. Lahoda

‘Sup, good sir? Do you work at this fine PacSun? Tight. Here’s the skinny: In preparation for an impending get-together, I would like to purchase your establishment’s finest shirt with exactly one word on the front.

Ah, yes, in between the neon bikinis and knockoff Vans. Of course. Would you mind walking me through your single-word shirt selection? Sweet. Let’s do this shit.

COOL


Photo by Tengyart on Unsplash

Let me start off by saying I (32F) usually think my husband’s (37M) egg obsession is a fun little “eggcentricity,” if you will. But it’s starting to affect our family, and I don’t know if I’m just being too sensitive.

I realized what I was getting into on our first date, when Geoff took me to a quaint frittata place in Southampton. “An odd choice,” I thought, but I was enamored by the handsome man who called the L.I.E. “the Long Island Eggspressway.”

At his thirty-fifth birthday party, Geoff took one bite of cake before moving on to thirty-six raw…


Photo by krakenimages on Unsplash

8:30am: I awake to my “Benny Hill Theme Song” alarm clock and let it play until my roommate, Mark, bangs his fist on the wall.

8:42am: I gaze lovingly at the picture of my father on my nightstand. We used to watch Punk’d together every day, taking turns placing a whoopee cushion under each other’s seats — my fondest memories of him. April Fool’s Day was his favorite holiday, and I’m going all out in his honor.

8:44am: I jump out of bed. Today I am April, and Mark will be my fool.

8:55am: Donning cargo pants, suspenders, and an…


HUMOR

Photo by Luz Fuertes on Unsplash

I received your email wishing me “a wonderful National I Want You to Be Happy Day” today, Brad from Xfinity, but I’m afraid I do not return the sentiment.

You see, I hate you and everything your company stands for. I want you to suffer the way I suffered.

I didn’t always feel this way. When you only missed our scheduled modem installation appointment window twice, I thought, “Wow, this guy’s the real deal.” …


HUMOR

Photo by Cristina Anne Costello on Unsplash

“Bitcoin’s market value reached $1 trillion for the first time, […] helping cryptocurrency returns far outstrip the performance of more traditional assets like stocks and gold.”

Bloomberg, 2/19/21

WEEK 1: Pre-Launch

Welcome to my blog, Mama Bear’s Den! This week, we’ll discuss a fun activity for the whole fam. Yesterday, my little #girlboss, Leah, asked to open a lemonade stand. So cute!

Admittedly, when she and her imaginary friend (whose name Leah will not disclose) approached Richard and me for funding, we were hesitant. But after a compelling presentation in which Leah flung her tiny body on the ground and screamed like…


HUMOR

Image by leshapyx from Pixabay

“[Ted Cruz] faced backlash after initial reports emerged on social media that he had jetsetted to Cancun despite the widespread crisis in Texas, but he defended himself in a statement Thursday afternoon saying it was a trip for his two daughters.”

ABC News, 2/18/21

In response to the unfair backlash I am facing for my trip to Cancún while my neighbors recover from a terrible natural disaster back home, I would like to share my side of the story and attempt to clear my name, which has been dragged through the mud over the past 24 hours.

This has…

Alice H. Lahoda

writer, shitposter, & comic creator. never not tired. would happily break my vegetarianism to eat the rich. more at alicelahoda.com

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