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An Age-By-Age Guide To Explaining Steven Tyler To Your Child
Steven Tyler has a pet raccoon named Bandit. Why? I don’t know. Nobody knows why that man does anything.
INFANT
At this age, your little one’s soft, underdeveloped brain is physically incapable of comprehending the complex fascinations and horrors of rock n’ roll powerhouse Steven Tyler, so talk about him to your spouse as you normally would, no explanation necessary:
“Hey hon, wanna make like Steven Tyler and have sex like a gun: just aim, shoot, and run?”
TODDLER
Incorporate factoids about Steven Tyler’s little eccentricities into typical age-appropriate lessons:
“Ducks say quack! Pigs say oink! Cats say meow! And who else says meow? That’s right, Steven Tyler in Nine Lives, the first song on Aerosmith’s twelfth studio album, Nine Lives!
Let’s meow like Steven Tyler together: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH WAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH WAHWWW WHOAW WAAAAHOW WAAHHHHOUOUOUAWAW!!!!!”
You’ll also need to explain that Steven Tyler’s impression of a cat is wildly inaccurate.
AGES 4–5
When your child refuses to put on their winter clothes and instead becomes tangled up in a mass of thick, flowy bohemian scarves, this is a perfect time to explain the innovative way Steven Tyler incorporates scarves into his performances:
“How cute! You look exactly like Steven Tyler’s scarf-covered mic stand! One time during Aerosmith’s 2010 ‘Cocked, Locked, & Ready to Rock’ tour he swung the mic stand around, and it violently collided with Joe Perry’s skull. Instead of ending the show early, Steven Tyler turned to the audience and said ‘Shit happens, and if you don’t believe shit happens — Dream On!’ Then Aerosmith launched into Dream On like nothing happened. Steven Tyler is a maniac.”
AGES 6–7
This is usually the age when your child becomes aware of adoption. Use the people in your child’s life to discuss Steven Tyler’s history with the topic:
“Your friend Jonathan doesn’t look like either of his parents because he was adopted. That means his…
