ST. LOUIS — Mere seconds after Jessica Diaz settled down in her favorite armchair on Thursday afternoon, sources reported that she was interrupted by the presence of her cat, Whiskers, who announced with a dramatic yawn that he was positively exhausted. “This is, quite frankly, awkward for me,” Whiskers began, hoping that his humble approach would endear himself to Jessica. “But would it be too much trouble to ask that you momentarily surrender your comfy seat in the sun so that I may, perchance, enjoy but a brief me-nap? For you see, I am but a small cat with limited strength and stamina, and you are a mighty, towering human with an energy reserve dwarfing my own.”
Sighing heavily, Jessica yielded her seat to the persuasive feline, who promptly fell asleep in the warm spot she left behind. The human paused to lovingly admire her precious fur baby, and as Whiskers’ left ear rapidly twitched three times in quick succession, our sources tell us that Jessica’s eyes welled with tears. “There has never been a more exquisite being ever to roam this earth,” she whispered, and wiped the tears away with her hand before turning to leave.
Immediately after exiting the room, Jessica stepped directly into a warm pool of fresh cat vomit, which our experts confirm was no more than five minutes old.