Clueless Baby Looks Like a Goddamn Moron With All That Marinara Sauce on Its Face
Come on, Baby, get your shit together. You’re 11 months old now; you can’t just sit around topless all day with sauce on your face and noodles in your hair. That’s not gonna fly in daycare. It’s time to get your life in order.
Now clean yourself up, put on your sharpest onesie, and try not to soil yourself for the next 90 minutes. I have a Zoom happy hour with some coworkers and their families, and I need you looking your absolute cutest. Can you do that for me? ‘Cuz this is the big leagues. Cheryl’s daughter is a month younger than you and everyone thinks she’s so fucking cute and well-behaved, but I have it on good authority that Cheryl bribes her with Cheerios. What a bitch.
Anyway, Baby, here’s the deal. If we pull this off, you can have all the spaghetti and red sauce you want for the next week. You wanna grab that shit by the handful, throw it at your face, and miss your mouth 9 times out of 10? Go nuts. But the call is about to start, so I need you to straighten your pacifier and get your fucking head in the game.
Do we understand each other?