Due To Supply Chain Issues, Cool Baristas Will Only Be Handing Out Two Compliments Per Shift
This crisis will affect the following baristas: Sloane, Rock, JD, Esme, Gwendolynneae, Kio, and Slade. Service will run as planned with barista Eric.
Due to unprecedented market conditions and ongoing issues with the supply chain, cool baristas at our shop will be limited to two compliments per shift. Unfortunately, this crisis will affect the following baristas: Sloane, Rock, JD, Esme, Gwendolynneae, Kio, and Slade. Service will run as planned with barista Eric.
Like many other industries, we are experiencing a global supply chain crisis that we have never seen in our history running the shop. In years prior, cool baristas have been able to say things like “I love your fine line tattoo”, or “I would have never known you work in finance” up to 30 times a day. Due to strong global demand and extreme weather conditions, which makes a barista’s morning commute really really annoying, we find it necessary that the amount of compliments handed out by our chillest baristas be capped at two. Except, of course, for uncool barista Eric who has an impenetrable and, at times, unpalatable happiness.
Our coffee and tea menu will not be affected by the shortage in any way. However, because of these changes in compliment availability we are advising customers to review their procurement processes. For example, customers who order a large coffee with “a lot of extra room” so it “doesn’t spill when you walk” — The company is aware you are taking it home to fill it with vanilla creamer. Actions like these depreciate cool baristas’ opinions of you over time, and make it difficult for us to streamline the allocation of each shift’s compliments.
On a similar note, we would like to ask that, before entering the store, all customers consider whether receiving a compliment from Eric (who will almost certainly be hyper from eating sugar packets) is worse than being denied a compliment by Gwendolynneae.
We are doing everything we can to obtain the necessary inventory, but please contact us if you have any pertinent information about your forecasts, i.e. you’re bringing a date to the shop and will need a compliment from barista Rock as your date has seen Rock’s rock band play at Slash Rabbit Grunge House, or you’ve recently gotten a “fugly” haircut that is affecting your confidence at work. We will try our hardest to honor all requests.
We appreciate your patience and collaboration as we work through these next few months of cut throat groveling for positive recognition, which will certainly be perpetuated by Sloane’s aloofness, together. While this is a difficult time for all of us, it is imperative to remember that even our coolest baristas are working long and early hours for very little pay, schlepping coffee beans under the ever thickening fog of an increasingly dire global catastrophe, so if in the near future you are able to get validation elsewhere, perhaps from a lover or friend, we would greatly appreciate it. We will continue to share information as the situation evolves.
If you have any specific questions or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact barista Eric who will no doubt make it all of our problem.
Sincerely,
The Coffee Shop on Main
Kelsey Harper is a writer/performer based in Brooklyn. She is a graduate of the Dramatic Writing program at NYU. She wrote the award winning podcast What Can I Get Started For You and can be found on twitter at @harper_kelsey
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