Estimated Shipping Date: A Note About Your Recent Order
We believe in corporate responsibility except in cases where we bear no responsibility like this one.
Jan. 30th: Dear Valued Customer, Thank you for your purchase! Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, delivery estimates are longer than usual. Your purchase will arrive by March 16th.
Jan 31st: Update to your order: supply chain issues brought on by the COVID-19 pandemic are causing further delays. We believe in corporate responsibility except in cases where we bear no responsibility like this one. We will update you when we have a tracking number. Fingers crossed, your purchase should arrive by March 19th.
Feb. 6th: IMPORTANT UPDATE TO YOUR ORDER: Don’t forget to follow us on Facebook!
Feb. 14th: Happy Valentine’s Day! Do you want to purchase anything else from us? I know the items you ordered still haven’t arrived, (and will not for some time,) but we know you love a holiday-related impulse purchase (from your browser’s cookies,) so we figured we’d try you. Your purchase will probably arrive by June 30th.
Feb 20th: This is an automated message. Thank you for emailing about your order. Someone will get back to you within three “pandemic business days.” Which is seven regular business days. When will your item arrive? Who can say?
Mar. 1st: Hello Valued Customer, This is Marthya from the customer service department. I am looking into this issue and it seems like the earliest you will receive your purchase is sometime in late July. Please bear in mind that we share your frustration, but this is completely out of our control. Most of our hourly “logistics team” has contracted COVID-19 in our warehouse, despite the rigorous safety measures we employ like highly encouraging employees to wear masks, highly encouraging them not to get sick, and Purell.
We suggest you try not to think about the faceless employees who make and ship your item. (We try not to!) Instead, focus your energy on the arrival of your product and other equally low-priced items you could buy on our website! Use this code for 4% off: FUNDEMIC2022
Mar. 1st: Hello again from Marthya. We got your request to cancel the purchase you made on Jan. 30th. Unfortunately, we aren’t able to fulfill that request at this time. Our system shows that we’ve “started production” on your item. “Started production” is a technical term which means “we’re not canceling it and you’re never getting your money back.”
We wish we could refund your purchase, but we simply can’t. Not when we’ve taken absolutely every safety precaution that doesn’t involve allowing people to miss work, changing our profit margins, or taking an ounce of responsibility. You should see how much Purell we buy! :)
Mar. 16th: Hey, remember today? This is the day you thought your purchase was going to arrive. Hahahaha.
Apr. 7th: Hi. Marthya again. Apologies for the delay — I’ve been out of work for five days following my COVID diagnosis. And I really don’t know what the CDC was thinking because that was not enough. I’m lightheaded! :)
I know you asked to correspond with my superior but the current wait time to speak to my boss is 3 hours and 48 days. And even once you do, Brooce is going to tell you the same thing that I told you, there’s nothing they can or will do to help you. Again we wish we could apologize for the business model we created and profit from, but we just don’t have that power. a;dfjk;kldjfa;lkdj;abna;dslkfasss. Sorry. I hope all this makes sense. I just passed out at my desk! :)
Apr. 30th: We’ve taken your money and given you nothing in return. Who knows if we ever will? Please follow us and retweet.
Jul. 1st: Little piggy want an update? First you have to click on this link and enter your order number and sign into your account. And then you have to BEG. Because we’re not just giving out updates anymore. We’re going to make you work for it.
Oct. 4th: Have you thought about therapy? Because it seems like you’re having a tough time letting this go.
Oct. 4th: Here is a list of therapists in your area that take your insurance. How do we know your insurance? Your browser’s cookies. You have them all enabled, dummy.
Dec. 12th: Order now for Christmas delivery! (Except that order you placed back in January. That is still pending.)
Dec. 24th: Merry Christmas, little piggy. Guess what, our prices just went up! And there’s nothing you can do about it!
Jan. 30th, 2023: You’re welcome. Your item has shipped. You’d better be there to sign for it, little piggy, or we’ll take it right back!
Feb. 12th, 2023: Please rate your experience. How did you like your “Calm and Serenity Soy Candle,” you stinky little pig?
Carrie McCrossen is a writer and actor. Her work has appeared in The New Yorker’s “Daily Shouts” and on Funny or Die. Her debut YA novel, Margot Mertz Takes it Down is on sale now, with a sequel planned for fall 2022. And she still has her childhood rock collection, so that’s pretty neat. Follow her on Twitter @carriemccrossen.
