I Took The Road Less Traveled By And Now I’m Lost In A Fucking Forest

Image by Foundry Co from Pixabay

Editor’s Note: Each month, the editors at AngryAngryAlice feature a human interest story that we feel captures the mood of 2020 in a unique and compelling way. The author of our November story asked that we publish her piece anonymously — but that we DO report her name to the authorities to aid the search and rescue mission currently underway.

First of all, let me just say that I don’t think my friend is a bad guy or anything; he’s always been a head-in-the-clouds type. But secondly… if I ever get out of here, I’m never talking to him again.

Anyway. My friend Robert and I meet up for a (socially distanced!) hike this weekend to walk off all that Thanksgiving pie. We get to this forest where the trees still have some golden leaves on their branches — just absolutely gorgeous.

So we’re hiking for maybe 30 minutes when we reach a fork in the road with two trails, and we have a decision to make. Robert is super excited and wants to take them both, but I have a Zoom happy hour at 7, so I tell him we only have time to hike one. I suggest the trail that is wide and flat and clearly marked cause, well… the other trail looks like some dude just started hiking into the brush and cleared a path for himself, and when someone asked him what he was doing, the dipshit just shrugged and said “it was grassy and wanted wear” like some asshole wannabe poet.

But Robert INSISTS that we’ll have a better time on the second trail, saying “we’ll be like Lewis and Clark!” and all this shit. And I’m like “Robert, my dude, we literally just celebrated a holiday dedicated to white people stealing from Indigenous peoples and murdering them, maybe don’t sound so giddy about manifest destiny???”

So thankfully Roberts shuts up with that shit, but he won’t stop talking about how cool it would be to take the second trail. Then he says we can plan another trip to hike the first trail on another day, so I cave (even though I lowkey know there’s no way we’ll ever get around to it, but eh — c’est la vie).

BIG. MISTAKE.

Now we’ve been out here for at least three hours. The trail sort of disappeared after a couple hundred yards, but Robert just kept walking with all this confidence and I followed his lead like an absolute FOOL. It’s dark, it’s cold, and I’m definitely missing my happy hour call.

Moral of the story? Don’t take the road less traveled by. Well-traveled roads are traveled well for a reason. Fuck.

FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don’t even like hiking.

Editor’s Note: This story was updated by the author at 10:22 p.m. ET on November 29, 2020.

To top it all off — it started snowing! And instead of continuing on with literally any urgency whatsoever, Robert just….. stopped walking to “watch these woods fill up with snow” like he’s in a fucking trance or something. I told him “dude, we need to leave or we’re going to FREEZE to DEATH,” and he just responded with “but I have promises to keep.”

Image by Kurt Bouda from Pixabay

Ahem.

EXCUSE THE FUCK OUT OF ME, ROBERT???????????

I don’t give a shit about your promises. What about your promise to ME, your former friend, that we’d make it out of these woods alive!!!!!??????

Honestly, what the fuck is this grown man’s problem? He thinks he’s being deep or some shit, but the only deep thing in this seemingly endless forest in Who-The-Fuck-Knows, New Hampshire, is the SNOW that’s piling up on the ground!!!!!

And now I’m getting frostbite.