Is This a Heart Attack, or Did I Wash My Adderall Down with a Pot of Coffee Again?

I like to throw caution to the wind and see where the day takes me. Sometimes, it takes me to the ER.

Hey there, Doc. It’s good to see you again. Well, not good given the circumstances — hah! — but you know what I mean.

Who, me? Oh yeah I’m doing great, except for the fact that I feel like my heart is quite literally going to explode any second and shoot out through my eyes and mouth. Is that possible, by the way? Or would that be a cardiovascular first? On the bright side, you could publish a paper on my unique cause of death.

The nurse looked pretty concerned by my vitals before; is she also worried about my heart exploding? Cause I mentioned it to her and she laughed at first, but then she got really quiet and serious after she put that thing on my finger and took my blood pressure…

133 is a high heart rate? Are you sure? Well that’s not good, considering I’m always flirting with tachycardia. Yikes, heh heh. Is it possible for a person to just always have a heart attack? Like a never-ending cardiac event that the body learns to live with? … Y’know what, never mind, I heard the question as I was talking and realized that’s called “death.”

But no, I honestly have no idea why my heart is beating at twice a healthy speed. I didn’t do anything out of the ordinary today; I just woke up, took my Vyvanse and Adderall on an empty stomach, and washed it down with, oh, I don’t know, maybe 3 or 4 cups of coffee? Then I brushed my tee — sorry, what did you say? I couldn’t understand you through your gasps of shock and horror.

Oh, yeah, I guess that IS a lot of stimulants to take all at once.

Nah, I only take my anxiety meds as needed, but I never really feel like I need them!

Exercise? Not really, unless you count walking between the rooms in my apartment! Hah!

Hmm, I don’t know, maybe 5–6 hours each night, 7 if I stop scrolling on Twitter before 1am. But when does that ever happen, y’know?

… Yeah, that makes sense. But hey, at least it’s not a heart attack this time, right?

Well, it’s been great catching up with you, Doc. Thanks for the Ativan! Should I wait here for my discharge papers, or…? Ah, got it. No, thanks, I know my way out by now.

Let’s do this again soon, yeah? Have a good one!

Oh, sorry, one more thing. Is the Starbucks in the lobby closed during Covid? I’ve been dying for a caramel macchiato all day.

writer, shitposter, & comic creator. never not tired. would happily break my vegetarianism to eat the rich. more at alicelahoda.com

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