MARKEY vs. KENNEDY: Which Candidate Should You Support Based on Your Zodiac Sign?

Let the stars be your voter guide to the September 1 primary in Massachusetts

Photo by MiraCosic on Pixabay

♈♈♈♈♈♈♈♈♈♈

People think of Aries as fiery fighters, and with good reason: they’re fire signs, they don’t back down from a fight, and 94.5% of arsonists are Aries (Aries, don’t @ me… and don’t fact check that stat either). Given their obsession with fire, you’d probably think Aries voters would support Joe Kennedy III (who once told his barber to “give me the Ponyta,” and his hair has been ablaze ever since).

But despite Joe’s continued commitment to looking like a humorless Conan O’Brien, the real best choice for Massachusetts Aries voters is Ed Markey. Ed is an instigator in the best possible way:

“When Ed refused to compromise in his fight for critical judicial reform [in the Massachusetts House of Representatives], the Speaker of the House promptly removed Ed from the Judiciary Committee and had Ed’s desk thrown into the hallway. Instead of rolling over and giving in to leadership, Ed owned his role as a disrupter and created a TV advertisement with a new campaign slogan, ‘The bosses can tell me where to sit, but no one tells me where to stand.’”

(anecdote quoted from EdMarkey.com)

As a lifelong firebrand and catalyst for change, Ed has some serious Aries energy — which makes him the obvious choice for Aries to support in the September 1 primary. And once you’re on Team Markey, it’s time for you to do what Aries do best: fight hard for what you believe in and inspire others to action. Join an upcoming virtual phone bank near you to bring others onto the team!

♉♉♉♉♉♉♉♉♉♉

I’m a Taurus, so I can say this: sometimes we can be a bit lazy. It’s not because we don’t have passion and drive (we do!), but because we can be stubborn and demand the best for ourselves. But our laziness is often just a perception. In reality, Tauruses (Tauri? yes? no?) are some of the hardest workers on the zodiac, but we’re extremely deliberate with our use of time and energy and we need to see value in any work we do. So trust me, my fellow Tauruses, when I say that Ed Markey is the candidate for us. We enjoy the finer things in life, right? Well, I can’t think of anything finer (😏) than a young Ed Markey fighting for what he believes in:

Joking… kinda. But really, what’s finer than an inhabitable earth, which Ed is determined to protect as the original Senate sponsor of the Green New Deal (which he introduced and co-authored with everyone’s fave: AOC). Ed Markey is the hardest working candidate in this race. Do you want to fight for your basic rights and survival for the rest of your life? No? Then work hard for Ed in the short-term so that he can save us from working (too) hard in the long-term. You can raise money for Ed by creating a personal fundraising page to share with your friends and family, then make sure you vote for Ed Markey in the September 1 primary!

♊♊♊♊♊♊♊♊♊♊

Geminis are often thought of as people you can’t quite trust, because their version of the truth can change just as quickly as their personality — so you’d think that Joe Kennedy III would be the perfect candidate for them. But that assumes the worst of Geminis, who are actually quite empathetic and committed to recognizing different people’s perspectives and life experiences. In reality, Geminis are much more likely to find inspiration in Ed Markey’s deeply thoughtful policy platform and decades of public service to Massachusetts — not because of any ties to a political dynasty, but because he cares about his neighbors and the world we all live in.

Geminis know that despite their reputation, they are quick to open up to people who have earned their trust. Ed Markey is open and communicative with his constituents and doesn’t rely on any family reputation to spell out his credentials, which will make it easy for Geminis to trust and support him in the September 1 primary. Get to know Ed Markey’s story, then reach out to five close friends and talk to them about why you’re supporting Ed — after all, connecting with others on a personal level is what Geminis do best!

♋♋♋♋♋♋♋♋♋♋

Ed Markey is a Cancer, which makes a lot of sense. Known as one of the most emotional sign, Cancers are ruled by the moon. So, much like the moon, Cancers tend to be a constant presence in the lives of their loved ones, and they are known to establish deep roots in their communities. In this way, Ed is a typical Cancer: regardless of his mood, you know you can count on him to support and uplift his Massachusetts community, because he’s been serving constituents in the Commonwealth since the early 1970s.

Ed Markey is the epitome of what Cancers can achieve when they find their true calling, and he is the perfect candidate for his fellow Cancers to support! Voting is one of the easiest and most effective ways to establish deep roots in your Massachusetts community, so make sure you are able to support Ed in the September 1 primary — request your vote by mail ballot today, then expand your roots and encourage your neighbors to do the same!

♌♌♌♌♌♌♌♌♌♌

Sometimes Leos have an unfair reputation for selfishness. If you’re one of the few Leos who actually lives up to the sign’s stereotype, then Joe Kennedy III is definitely your guy! He’s all about the personal gain and will happily twist words to save face and paint his opponent in a bad light. Case in point: after Ed Markey listed several organizations that endorsed him in the most recent debate, Joe dismissed the merit of those endorsements by (falsely) claiming that those organizations always endorse incumbents and that most of them have endorsed Joe in his past races, as well. But Sunrise Movement (one of the orgs whose endorsement Ed listed) was quick to correct the record:

The good news for Leos is that most of you aren’t selfish or dishonest. The vast majority of you are kind and caring. You wear your emotions on your sleeve and are fiercely protective of others; you guard your pack at all costs, and you’re fiercely loyal. And Leos — Ed is just like you. Some of the other organizations that endorsed Ed Markey in this race include the League of Conservation Voters, the Sierra Club, the Human Rights Campaign, NARAL, and Planned Parenthood. If any of those orgs do work that benefits you, then you are in Ed’s pack. If you live in Massachusetts, you’re in Ed’s pack. If you care about others and believe in working hard for a better world, you are in Ed’s pack — and he’s in yours.

Fight to re-elect Ed Markey by creating a personal supporter page and sharing it with your pack, then ask them to join you in voting for Ed on September 1!

♍♍♍♍♍♍♍♍♍♍

Most people think of Virgos as uptight, and that can be true. But it’s usually because they’re so focused on making the world a better place. And between the two candidates in this race, it’s easy to identify who will help Virgos work towards that goal: Ed Markey (aka the co-author of the Green New Deal). Even The Boston Globe agrees — and if any Editorial Board knows what it takes to make the world a better place, it’s the Globe. (Ha! Get it? Please clap.)

Virgos will recognize a lot of themselves in independent-minded, progressive Ed Markey. So put those valuable qualities to great use by joining the Markey Mavericks Slack! You have a lot to offer the other signs, so use your perfectionism for good and create some order out of chaos — and remember to vote for Ed Markey on September 1 (not that a Virgo would ever forget).

♎♎♎♎♎♎♎♎♎♎

Libras sometimes have trouble making decisions, as they are torn between what their heads and hearts want. But after they weigh their options, they don’t hesitate to act fast once a decision’s been made. Joe Kennedy III is a Libra, so it’s only natural that we listen to who he thinks Libras should vote for this September:

Joe Kennedy on Ed Markey

…interesting. Thanks, Joe!

The thing about Libras is that they aren’t afraid to initiate change, and Joe doesn’t hesitate to market himself as a progressive change candidate. But Libras don’t support needless change, which is how Joe’s primary challenge is often described. And by his own admission, he is happy with Ed Markey’s performance in Congress.

Joe may call himself a progressive, but he’s really a neo-Libra at heart. Ed, on the other hand, is the head-and-heart candidate that Massachusetts deserves. So Libras — take action by requesting your vote by mail ballot to ensure that you can vote for Ed on September 1, then share the link with your friends and family as well!

♏♏♏♏♏♏♏♏♏♏

Scorpios tend to oscillate between extremes, so if you’re a Massachusetts Scorpio who hasn’t made up your mind between Ed Markey and Joe Kennedy III yet, don’t worry — that’s very in character for you. So let’s consider your options: on one hand you, have a dedicated public servant who works hard for the people of Massachusetts every single day of his life, and on the other hand, you have Joe. And sure, Joe’s hunger for power (a classic Scorpio trait) is in his DNA, but what Scorpios really crave is intimacy, emotional security, and depth…

…which is why Ed is the perfect candidate for Scorpios. He’s proven his loyalty to his constituents time and time again, and his record shows that he is intense, passionate, earnest, and ready to delve beneath the surface to discuss real issues. He’s the perfect Scorpio candidate! And Scorpios who also possess those traits are terrific at phone banking, so you can help the campaign by passionately discussing your support for Ed while still remaining somewhat emotionally distant — no need to get too personal, right?

♐♐♐♐♐♐♐♐♐♐

Sags love their freedom, and they love exploring new places. Massachusetts Sags who’ve lived here long enough have probably explored most of the Commonwealth by now and will be interested in all the work Ed Markey has done to improve and care for each city and town. What Sags aren’t interested in, however, is anyone who wants to represent Massachusetts in the US Senate but hasn’t even taken the time to get to know every corner of the Commonwealth himself. If that sounds oddly specific to you, it’s because I’m talking about Joe Kennedy III, who accused Ed of leaving several Massachusetts towns off the Markey Map on his website. The only problem with Joe’s little accusation? Those Massachusetts “towns” don’t exist.

Cover art created and owned by Boston Herald

That kind of blunder is absolutely unforgivable to Sagittarius voters. But regardless of that misstep, Massachusetts Sags can’t promise that they’ll stay in the Commonwealth forever; they’ll want to travel and explore the vast world around them (once the pandemic ends, of course). And that’s only possible if there’s a world left for them to explore. So naturally, Sags are best suited to vote for Ed Markey, who co-authored the Green New Deal and has a long history of fighting for environmental protections in Congress.

As unorthodox creatives who always work to expand personal limits and explore unknown territory, Sags are a perfect fit for the Markey Mavericks Slack, where you can lend your creativity and support to the campaign before you vote for Ed Markey on September 1!

♑♑♑♑♑♑♑♑♑♑

Capricorns are thought of as the most conservative sign on the zodiac. And while that description could apply to their politics (in which case, they should support Joe Kennedy III, aka the more conservative candidate), it doesn’t have to. As Earth Signs, Caps are often conservative in the ‘conservation’ sense of the word — as in, conserving the precious natural resources we take from the earth, just like Ed Markey proposes in the Green New Deal.

The practice of conservation also lends itself to hard work and humility, which are necessary traits for winning elections. Ed exemplifies these traits to a T, but his campaign also relies on volunteers who exhibit them as well. That’s you, Massachusetts Cap voters! You believe in patience, determination, and putting in the time and effort to achieve your goals. Use your wonderful conservative qualities to help raise money for Ed’s campaign through your own personal fundraising page, and make sure you and your neighbors vote for Ed on September 1!

♒♒♒♒♒♒♒♒♒♒

Aquariuses are the humanitarians of the zodiac, despite the fact that they are often accused of not liking other humans — or even of not being human themselves. With that reputation, you’d think that Joe Kennedy III would appeal to Aquarius voters, since the Kennedy family meets all the requirements for being lizard people (but they aren’t — they’re just out-of-touch weirdos who have too much money and hold the mistaken belief that positions of political power are a Kennedy birthright).

What the “unhuman” stereotype gets wrong about Aquariuses is that although they don’t often engage in messy, emotional displays, they still feel deeply. That’s why Ed Markey is the real perfect candidate for Aquarius voters: he’s a humanitarian who rationalizes his feelings, but he is still deeply empathetic. Most importantly, he doesn’t feel entitled to your support due to a family name. So check out everything he’s done to earn your vote, then make your own Ed Markey supporter page and share it with you friends so he can earn their votes on September 1 as well!

♓♓♓♓♓♓♓♓♓♓

Pisces tend to be quiet and contemplative. Sometimes they may appear not to be doing anything particularly useful, but they’re actually deep in thought and working to serve a higher purpose. Someone might easily mistake Joe Kennedy III for a Pisces, since he often appears not to be doing anything particularly useful. But unlike Pisces, the perception of his uselessness is also the reality with Joe, because his presence in this race is not particularly useful to anyone but himself.

Ed Markey, on the other hand, appeals to the empathetic, gentle, and emotionally intelligent nature of Pisces voters. He is a delightfully nerdy and deeply endearing man who keeps his head down and works hard for his constituents. He’s about substance over flash:

Pisces voters — Ed Markey is your candidate. Use your sensitivity to others’ emotions and your ability to thoughtfully communicate with people close to you by reaching out to your five closest friends and telling them why you’re voting for Ed Markey on September 1!

Every sign has its own strengths; utilize yours to fight hard for Ed Markey in the Massachusetts Democratic Primary for US Senate on September 1. And if you need a soundtrack for your work, might I suggest these extremely chill lofi beats:

lofi beats to re-elect ed markey to

Now let’s go re-elect Ed ‘Eco Daddy’ Markey, Massholes!

managing editor for The Belladonna. words in McSweeney’s, The Hard Times, Slackjaw, Points in Case, etc. would break my vegetarianism to eat the rich.