In these unprecedented times, I think the fuck not.
You implore me to think of others, think of my family, my friends, my neighbors, my coworkers. “Just think of your loved ones,” you beg. Well the joke’s on you, pal — I don’t love anyone, and no one loves me! My family? They won’t speak to me anymore. Friends? Who needs ‘em? Neighbors? They run away when they see me coming, the cowards. Coworkers? Can’t have coworkers if you’re unemployed! So you want me to think of all these other people? I think the fuck not.
Think of the children? Fuck children! (Editor’s note: You should not, under any circumstances, fuck children.)
Think about all the good times? What good times — 7am? Midnight? 4:20? Get outta here with your Devil’s lettuce!
Think before I speak? Never did before, so why start now?
I think. the fuck. not.
You look down on me. You, with your “fancy” little “friends.” You young whippersnappers think you’re so smart, so suave, so sophisticated. I was cheeky! I was clever! I was confident once, too! But then life happened to me, and one day it will happen to you. You want me to think? You want me to change? You think you’ll convince me with your little viral dances? I want you to get off my lawn! I want you to show some respect! I think the fuck not.
“Stop taking off your socks and shoes and walking around barefoot on the airplane!” I think the fuck not.
“Hey, man, what the hell is wrong with you? We’re trying to sleep! Stop mowing your lawn at 2am!” I think the fuck not.
“Use your head!” I think the fuck not.
“What’s another name for this sex position in the Kama Sutra?” I think ‘the fuck knot.’
You want me to care, but I will never care. You tell me, “We live in a society!”
You call this a society? I think the fuck not.