“My Brain is LITERALLY Scrambled Eggs,” Says Scrambled Egg Brain Man (First of His Kind)

Local scientist weighs in: “What the fuck?”

KINGSTON, Ont. — In a culinary discovery that has scientists and chefs baffled, an Ontario man stumbled into a health clinic last Friday with a baffling anatomical abnormality. “My brain is LITERALLY scrambled eggs,” said Michael Thomas, an egg enthusiast and competitive eater.

At first, doctors at the clinic were dismissive, presuming exaggeration on Michael’s part. “But then,” a pharmacy tech recalls, “something light, yellow, and fluffy started to fall out of his right ear, and then his left.” The tech recounts the disbelief that she and the other witnesses felt as they realized that Michael’s excess scrambled egg brain was falling out of him before their very eyes.

“We don’t know what caused this medical anomaly,” Michael’s doctor said in a statement to the press, “but we called in experts from across the globe to weigh in. Gordon Ramsay is en route as we speak, and Alton Brown will fly in later this week. Until then, we’re trying to contain the patient’s scrambled egg brain in his skull, which I’m sure you can imagine is egg-ceptionally difficult.”

managing editor of The Belladonna. words in McSweeney’s, The Hard Times, Slackjaw, Points in Case, etc. more nonsense at alicelahoda.com