Quiz: Is Your Cult Leader Toxic?

Are you getting right with God or just getting used? Find out now!

Photo by Matthieu Pétel on Unsplash

Give yourself one point for each that applies:

1. Does your cult leader keep calling your parents “unsaved trash”?
2. Is he always trying to get you to dress more Amish?
3. Does he get jealous when you talk to other cult leaders?
4. When you Venmo him your paycheck, does your note have to read: “Partial payment towards salvation”?
5. Is he forcing you to diet because he wants you to get that emaciated saint look?
6. Are his biweekly animal sacrifices cutting into your household budget?
7. Did he make you delete your TikTok account because videos of you twerking to Cardi B could bring down the wrath of God?
8. Is he insisting the cult is actually saving money by using animal blood for blush instead of Clinique?
9. Does he keep insisting on sharing “his grace” with you, but you’re pretty sure he is talking about his penis?
10. Did he chastise you on the sidewalk of the local Planned Parenthood because you forgot the shredded fetus sign?
11. Is he always comparing you to other cult members, asking why you can’t be more faithful like Beulah?
12. When you don’t make your Bible sales goal, does he scream “JESUS SAYS COFFEE IS FOR CLOSERS” while pouring a macchiato over your head?
13. Are you sure all of that happened the way you remember?

RESULTS:

1-4 points: Child.

5-8 points: Come back to the fold.

9-13 points: We’re waiting.

Katherine Bergeron is a writer based in Boston. Her writings have been published by MetaStellar, The Haven, Queen Mob’s Teahouse, The Satirist, The Bigger Picture, All Worlds Wayfarer, The New North, and Circlet Press. Find her on Twitter @DameCoreInc or at DameCore.com.