“Why Is It Always the Bitchass Cucks Who Call Me a Simp on Twitter?” Asks Local Simp

“They possess the free will necessary to rid themselves of the shackles of society at any time, yet they choose to remain cucks and soyboys.”

“All these fuckin’ Betas have it backwards,” local soyboy Richard Dumas complained on our Zoom call Monday. Richard — known as Dick to those closest to him — spends most of his time “fighting with Chads and trolling normies” on the internet these days, but the interactions themselves aren’t the problem, Dick asserts.

“You wanna know what the problem is?” he parroted immediately after I asked him what he thought the problem is. “The problem is how smug they are in their replies. I take issue with their ignorance. They don’t know what they’re talking about.”

Dick continued: “I’ll call some pissbaby normie or bitchass prettyboy out for their performative wokeness or something. And it’s not like I’m insulting them, I’m simply pointing out that they live simple lives and have simple minds, and they don’t need to believe their inferior worldview. They don’t need to be slaves to the Feminist Agenda. They possess the free will necessary to rid themselves of the shackles of society at any time, yet they choose to remain cucks and soyboys. It’s all a choice, right?” He looked at me expectantly, and I nodded.

“And you know what they say back to me? They call me a simp. That doesn’t even make any sense! That’s not what the word means! Who would I be simping? Freedom of choice? Free will? So I ask them that, y’know? And it’s a bit of a gotcha, cause it’s obvious at this point that these simpletons don’t possess the intellect necessary to continue the conversation; it’s not a fair fight when I have such a high IQ. And they know that, too, cause this is always the point when they block me. That’s how I know I’ve won.”

I asked him his goal in these interactions: does he want to win, or does he find the mere experience of antagonizing online strangers pleasurable in some way?

His eyes narrowed. “Nevermind. I knew you wouldn’t get it,” Dick sneered. “You’re deliberately attempting to misrepresent my purpose.” I assured him that was not my intent, but he would have none of it. “Forget it. Forget this whole interview. All of it was off the record anyway.” I tried to explain that everything he said was on the record because I never agreed to those terms before the interview began, but Dick cut me off. “I fuckin’ knew you were a bitchass cuck from the moment I saw you, but I took pity on you. I wanted to give you a chance. I guess that was my mistake.”

The interview was clearly over, so I moved my cursor to end the Zoom call. There was just one thing I had to say first.

“You’re a real simp, Dick,” I informed my enraged interviewee. Then I ended our call.

writer, shitposter, & comic creator. never not tired. would happily break my vegetarianism to eat the rich. more at alicelahoda.com

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store